Kitchens, conflict, and bonds

Conflict and strife build deep bonds.

I spent a long time working in kitchens. I worked on the 'line'. On the line we would cook orders as they came in. During a dinner service this can get very busy, very crazy, and very stressful. The people who you spend your time working beside on the line become like your left and right hands. The camaraderie that comes from this often creates bonds between cooks that make friends out of people who would otherwise be at odds. 

I made friends with guys I didn't like while working the line. If you don't develop some sort of working relationship then your job becomes all the more difficult. I learned how to navigate and deal with difficult personalities.

There is a big issue in the food service industry of cooks working long hours for low wages. It is attributed to the attitude that one should "take pride in their work", as well as the chefs and managers who support this attitude, and use it to compel their cooks to devote themselves to the job.

It's crazy. The job usually doesn't pay enough to make it worth it, yet still, all over the world, again and again and again, you find cooks falling into this trap of over-working themselves for a mostly thankless career.

I do not blame chefs. I don't even blame the kitchen culture. I can't. That culture comes about because of the nature of the job. Working in a stressful kitchen and being "slammed" with orders becomes akin to trench warfare. Obviously not as life-threatening, but it is a very serious conflict. The cooks who excel on the line develop a brotherhood and bond that starts to over-shadow the other relationships in their lives. 

Why? Because 'fighting' together creates deep bonds among warriors... even if that war is against nothing but a stack of bills, time, and demands.

Studies done on soldiers have shown that those who go through armed conflict together develop bonds that compel them to die for each other (big surprise, right?). Often times becoming tighter with former strangers than with family. What the military learned long ago is that people will die for the person beside them, not for their country or any ideology. Stressing people out through fear and suffering ingrains memories and emotions which fuse together those who experience them together.

It is this comaraderie and conflict that keeps cooks working long hours for low pay, doing a job that hurts them, and justifying it in the name of pride.

It is not simply pride. It is the bond.

The bonds created between those who fight together.

Picture warrior culture. It acts upon the same principles and functions. It's not difficult to see how and why cooks become so offensive and derogatory. The loud talking, derogatory remarks, and joyous ridicule of each other becomes very acceptable when everyone on the line has a sense of pride and place in the fighting unit. After all, how important is it for people to not only belong to a group, but to be valued?

On the flip side of that, however, is the resentment towards the people who don't 'tow the line'. A cook who doesn't care, who hasn't become part of the in-group, who hasn't suffered through 'the trenches' as the main cooks have done, becomes a 'whipping boy'. It sucks. By no means am I justifying it. I mean only to provide my perspective on how and why this comes about.

This changes when a cook has to train the whipping boy. When the whipping boy wants more responsibility, more skills, and has proven his attitude in the face of ridicule and slander he is given the chance to join the in-group. (You may wonder why they would bother. You're getting made fun of? Quit! ... an easy answer, but not so easy when you realize that working in a kitchen is often not a first choice. For a lot of cooks, they had no other skills, but the kitchen would hire them. How true is that for many soldiers?)

So a cook has to train the whipping boy. He has to make something good of this person. The dynamic between them changes. If the whipping boy accepts the authority of his trainer, he will learn. His trainer may even be an idiot, unskilled in how to set a good example or deal well with people in general, but the trainer knows more than the whipping boy. If the whipping boy succeeds, his role changes. He becomes a valuable part of the team.

When the trainer gives up his skills, maybe even his position, he inevitably develops a relationship (to greater or lesser degrees) with the cook he is training. Relationships are about sacrifice, and the purpose of sacrifice is to make relationships closer. When you give up something of yourself it draws people together. 

When someone takes time out of theirs to give skills, knowledge, money, or care, they cannot help but to become interested in the person they are helping. They become invested in them. Even a little amount of time creates this bond. A lot of time invested and the bond becomes great. If that bond becomes broken by disagreements, politics, or whatever; the tighter the bond, the more bitter the separation.

Over the last two years my close friend and I worked a lot together in an effort to build a show. Last year we laid the ground work, and this year we toured the show successfully. We both gave a lot of time, and I supported him as he fought his way through bookings, performers, financial stresses and all the work that comes with it. 

If the show didn't exist, our bond as friends would not be what it is. 

Working on projects and fighting through the difficulties they present creates relationships. These are good relationships. They require each side to make sacrifices in time, patience, and attitude. My friend and I are very different. We see the world in different light. But because of our work we are close. Close enough that we can argue loudly and still not be separated. Their is respect built in as a result of what we've done together.

This is greater in value than money. Much greater. Money means shit if your connections are empty. Imagine yourself with only "party friends". How can you have trust? Relationships, like buildings, need a strong foundation, or they'll blow away like a straw hut.

And that, in principle, is why cooks continue to work long hours for low pay in a mostly thankless industry.